March 12th, 2009

Maddin - Cowards

Lessons from Hollywood

At some point I really must type up my reactions to various movies I saw during Film Forum’s fantastic Breadlines and Champagne series. I particularly want to write about Bombshell, starring Jean Harlow (riffing hilariously on her own image), and Theodora Goes Wild, in which Irene Dunne has her life upended by Melvyn Douglas and proceeds to return the favor.

However, instead I’m going to share some observations inspired by the 1945 technicolor noir melodrama Leave Her to Heaven, in which Gene Tierney marries Cornel Wilde and then does her damnedest to ruin his life in the name of love.

Signs You Probably Shouldn’t Have Married That Hottie You Met on the Train
  • Within seconds of meeting you, they commented on your uncanny resemblance to one of their parents. Bonus points if the parent in question is recently deceased.
  • Their lipstick and/or hair is always perfect, even when swimming or scattering the cremains of their dead parent from horseback. That’s just not natural.
  • They proposed marriage the same day you noticed that they’d stopped wearing their engagement ring. Bonus points if the broken engagement was confirmed by the jilted fiancé arriving to demand an explanation. Also, the rival is running for D.A. And he’s Vincent Price.
  • They repeatedly say “I’ll never let you go” even though you aren’t freezing to death in the North Atlantic.
  • After they die, you literally have to pry yourself loose from their cold, dead hands.