I don’t watch performing-arts-competition shows — Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, America’s Got Talent, that sort of program. Something about them makes me squirm. But I’m watching tonight’s episode of Dancing with the Stars because Baz Luhrmann is a guest judge. I missed the first hour, but tuned in early enough to catch the guy in the violently green tuxedo and the girl in the ostrich-feather skirt dancing to the theme song of The Muppet Show, and okay, that was awesome. :).

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Wow. I didn’t realize modern ballroom involves that much sliding across the floor. Fred Astaire once danced with a mop, but I’m pretty sure he never acted as one.

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Ooh, Tom DeLay almost wiped out at the end of his tango. Otherwise, surprisingly good.

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So, this Bruno guy is this show’s Paula Abdul, yes?

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God help us, it’s Donnie Osmond, dancing to “Secret Agent Man” with a woman wearing...sweet zombie Jesus. It’s a batwing-sleeved, halter-neck...tunic? With rhinestones and fringe? Over a gold leotard? And no visible pants? And white boots that are rhinestoned to look like heeled slippers over kneesocks?

I think I need to lie down.