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The Laughing Academy
A Life of Noisy Desperation
Land of the Free, Home of the Hungry 
4th-Jul-2010 12:09 pm
Steeplechase
I'm watching the wind up to the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest on ESPN.
  • A field reporter standing beside a platter bearing 68 hot dogs held up an inflated balloon representing the average human stomach.
  • "Gustatory athletes!"
  • Vintage Coney footage! Every one of those rides looks like a lawsuit waiting to happen, and I would give an eyetooth for the chance to go on them.
  • In reference to defending champion Joey Chestnut, over a list of his consumption records (which includes chicken and asparagus): "This is a cross-discipline athlete if there ever was one."
  • Wow, is that really 30,000 people? It is an impressive, closely packed crowd.
  • On whether the 68-dog record will be broken: "You can't argue with science, John. The New Jersey caucus has spoken."
  • They just put up a line graph titled a history of gluttony.
  • The commentators just pointed out that competitive eating is one of the few sports in which women compete directly against men.
  • This competitor has been living on yogurt and protein shakes for the past four days.
  • Dude, a Kirstie Alley joke? Really?
  • "The Gauntlet of Doom"? Who writes this? It's an eating contest.
  • I am actually getting pretty hungry myself. *sheepish* Maybe I'll whip up some guacamole.
  • Introductions! "He has the sharpest teeth in the game!" "The Big Sexy!" "He ate 8.5 pounds of poutine to win the respect of every man, woman and child in Canada!" "Six pounds of French fries! That is the exact weight in French fries as David Hasselhoff's head!" "The one who eats to the beat!" "They say she is a living sign of the Apocalypse." "His intestine is an anaconda..." "He is the notorious B! O! B!" "Perhaps he obscures his face to hide from crimes committed in another nation." "Ladies and gentlemen, the Eater of the Free World, JOEY CHESTNUT!"
  • Ooh, Kobayashi is in the crowd!
  • Vuvuzelas!
  • They have a Chew-View Cam.
  • And one of the studio guys says, next year? 3-D.
  • On training regimens: "These guys watch tapes, and that's what proves to me it's really a sport."
  • There's Crazy Legs Conti! Nice hat.
  • "This is not a beauty pageant. This is about esophageal zeal..."
  • "Phelps is nothing compared to this man in calories!"
  • Clock has run out! Chestnut's final count, 54. He's saluting the crowd with a bottle of Pepto Bismol.
  • I love how homemade the Mustard Belt ("the most coveted belt in all of sports!") looks.
  • Huh. ESPN is repeating the broadcast. Like, immediately.

ETA: Kobayashi was arrested!
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